Nostalgie

This song is running through my mind. Nostalgie by Julio Iglesias on Spotify

I suffer from “nostalgie”. The sadness in Julio Iglesias’ voice matches my own mournful feelings. I have been home for nine weeks. I am sad. I miss Jordan. I miss Egypt. I miss my new family of strangers that bonded on the tours.

I quit studying hieroglyphs again at about week 4 or 5, had to focus on other things. Thought maybe focusing on other matters would not change my sense that all is right in the world. It would be a brief break. That was a mistake. The fatalism of the past came back.

Then came another freeing moment, understanding it was a pattern. When I studied Egypt, I would stop.  Egyptology made me sad because it was impossible to be there. This was a recurring pattern in my life. Over the years, finances and safety concerns were legitimate reasons to postpone any sort of meaningful exploration of Egypt. Now that I see it, this should give me the power to overcome it. I broke the cycle once already.

I will go back.

Dipping my toe back into the pool of Egyptology, and whoa….it hit me. Honestly, I have been getting so sad, missing my family who live a thousand miles away, and more, but inside the same country and on the same continent as me. I can make a way to see them, touch them, smell their hair. You know, once a mother. But at the same time, I miss Egypt and Jordan, and my friends. At this very moment, I miss my family who live in my house. It is a torn feeling, all this nostalgie.

This longing for family is not only happening to me. We do what we can to span the miles. This post is self-indulgent, but maybe it will help some of my family and friends who are experiencing similar yearnings for home, family, and connection.

Loved ones move on to their own next adventures. They move out of the house, across town, far away, and even further, they leave this life. Separation is part of the human experience.

Longing for what we love is part of the human condition. In December, my family book club read Bill Bryson’s “A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail”. Bryson reports his own experience of competing longings as a result of his remarkable adventure. I got it. I get it.

Towards the end of his book, he comes to terms with the complicated feelings, like pride, disappointment, realism, aspiration, satisfaction, that surround what is an endurance test and intense bonding experience in a new frontier. Even so, it isn’t over for him. He commits to hitting new goals that he never new he had before going on that hike.

This post was in the queue for February. I didn’t post it or much for a while. Now it is April. Even though I have written it and rewritten it, the sentiments remain true.

Reading Bill Bryson was supposed to be a light read. It turned out to be just what I needed to get me back on track.